True Life: I’m no Scientist. (Heck, I got a C+ in General Biology). I have no idea about mitochondria, I can’t name a single bone in my body, and don’t even ask me the scientific abbreviation for anything on the periodic table besides gold. But I do know one thing; there is a great scientific reasoning for the love of a good glass of wine. The dictionary defines the word wine as: an alcoholic drink made from fermented grape juice. But to us mere sorority girls, we define wine as: a fruity blend of mistakes with a side of heavy hangover regret. Like seriously, why isn’t there a warning label on these bottles cautioning us of the road to recovery at the bottom of the bottle?
Hypothesis: Drinking sangria will result in outsiders thinking one is fancy and daring. With one part fruit, one part alcohol you my friend are more than just a Plain Jane.
Because who doesn’t love the guilty pleasure of popping bottles like the next Beyoncé. We can pretend for the night, right?!
The perfect scientific experiment of a serious steak at median rare accompanied by that rich colored red wine.
For all the want to be Italians of the world, practice your accent with this bad boy.
Where the focus group is cheap, desperate college girls attempting at first class lifestyle. Love your life by the first sip of Barefoot, but then come to the final conclusion that death is near.
For when you really, really hate yourself and the only reasonable solution is to compete (fearlessly) in a blood battle of Tour de Franzia. Where punching a straw in your adult Capri Sun and chug your problems away are socially acceptable while your sisters tell you everything’s going to be okay. This one is for you.
After collecting the data, the results are in:
No matter who you are, what status you’re trying to communicate, or what emotional state you’re in: wine is good for the soul. So cheers to sorority girls out there, because wine never goes out of style.